How can I help nursery children to resolve conflicts peacefully and play cooperatively?

Question

Good evening

I’ve just found out about your service and am very pleased to be able to ask you my question.

Since the summer, I’ve been working at a newly opened nursery with 14 children in their first year. There are 8 boys and 6 girls. Eight of them speak little or no German, and they will all turn 5 during this school year. They are very active and enthusiastic children. They love to play. For the boys, role-play and the building corner with all sorts of building materials are important.

However, the boys have recently started fighting more often, and often quite fiercely. They scratch and bite, are loud, push each other’s boundaries and laugh at one another, and disrupt each other…

So far, I’ve responded by talking to them, pulling the squabblers apart and giving them a telling-off. I explain to the children who speak other languages, using hand gestures, body language and role-play, that we cannot treat each other like this. I’d like to make more use of cooperative games. We’re learning to recognise emotions…

My question is: how can I tackle this problem so that these disputes stop and we develop a sense of togetherness? How do I create an atmosphere in which they don’t belittle one another? How can I help them to look beyond themselves and realise that there is a caring person right there opposite them?

This week I have a parent-teacher meeting with a Swiss family who are struggling with their son because he excludes others and is developing negatively in social terms, even though he has a wonderful environment and receives plenty of positive attention.

Thank you very much for letting me come to you with these problems. I look forward to your replies and ideas. Warm regards, Gaby Luck

Christina Koch · Accepted Answer

Dear Gaby

Thank you very much for your detailed account and for placing your trust in me. Your question is very important – particularly in such a diverse and lively nursery group. It’s a big task to help the children get on peacefully with one another and develop a genuine sense of community. I’d be happy to share my perspective, based on special educational needs and developmental psychology, with you.

What children of this age need

Pre-school-aged children are still very much focused on themselves. They are only just learning to recognise and regulate their own feelings – let alone to perceive the feelings of others. Many conflicts arise because children are not yet able to express their needs in any other way, or because they lack the language to communicate. This is particularly true when many children speak very little German.

Conflicts are completely normal at this stage of development. They even offer opportunities to practise social skills – provided the children are guided and supported throughout.

What you can do in practice

You’re already well on your way by discussing feelings, offering role-play and explaining things using hand and foot gestures. Here are a few additional suggestions from the field of special educational practice:

Introduce the topic of emotions to everyone in the nursery. From a developmental perspective, the first step is recognising and naming one’s own feelings (starting with basic emotions such as happiness, fear, anger, sadness), followed by recognising and naming others’ feelings, before moving on to emotional and social skills (regulation, conflict resolution). Simple picture books can be helpful here, e.g. “Today I am” or “I am now”. These look very simple, but it’s worth starting right at the beginning, in line with the developmental milestones, and seeing where the children’s skills lie.
Making feelings visible: Use picture cards with faces, emojis and pictograms to name feelings. Let the children show how they feel. This also helps children with limited German. Active Communication also offers practical balls with faces on them.
The use of simple gestures or sign language (see also tanne.ch, Porta signs) can be very helpful
In addition, there are specific programmes tailored to nursery schools:

‘Faustlos für den Kindergarten’ (Cierpka & Schick 2014)
‘Behavioural Training for Nursery School Children’ (Koglin & Petermann 2013
‘Lubo from Space’ – pre-school age (Hillenbrand et al. 2016)
‘Promoting emotional skills in pre-school children’ (Petermann & Guest 2016)
Prevention and Resilience Promotion in Early Years Settings – PRiK (Fröhlich-Gildhoff, Dörner & Rönnau 2007)

Work out clear, simple rules and routines together: Illustrate these rules with pictures, pictograms or symbols. For example: ‘We don’t hurt each other’, ‘We listen to each other’, ‘We help one another’. Display the rules where they can be easily seen. Also consider: what do we do when…?
Practise conflict resolution: Introduce small rituals, such as a ‘peace chair’ or a ‘mediation corner’. There, children can (with your support) explain what happened and how they feel. You can suggest simple phrases: “I’m sad because…”, “I’d like…”. But also offer opportunities for self-regulation: e.g. a quiet corner, a “box corner”, possible time-out signals such as “I need a break now, it’s all getting too much for me”
Offer cooperative games regularly: Games where everyone can win and cooperation is required strengthen the sense of togetherness. Examples: a parachute game, building a tower together, painting a large picture.
Reinforce positive aspects: Highlight what’s going well. Give specific praise when children are friendly, share or help others. This reinforces positive behaviour.
Involve parents: When talking to parents, you can explain that social behaviour takes time to develop and that it’s also helpful at home to name feelings and practise asking, “How can I help?”

Things to bear in mind

Stay patient: Social skills develop slowly, especially in a linguistically and culturally diverse group.
It should also be possible for them to let off steam now and then; see “Romping about, rough-and-tumble play, testing their strength”
Be a role model: Children learn a great deal through imitation. Show them yourself how to address and resolve conflicts calmly.
Seek support if the situation is taking its toll on you – for example, through discussions with colleagues, supervision or counselling.

In conclusion

With your commitment and attitude, you’re already well on the way. It’s normal for these processes to take time and not always run smoothly. With clear structures, plenty of patience and loving guidance, the children will gradually learn to get on better with one another.

I wish you continued joy and strength for this important work!

Warm regards, Christina Koch